"People like you are the reason people like me take pills!"
---Neva Faith Linn

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
---Unknow

"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and"
---Brad Ramsey n

"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
---Mae West

"Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls."
---Groucho Marx

"Our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives overcoming."
---Amy Bennett

"I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things."
---Alan Coren

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
---Groucho Marx

"Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."
---Unknown

"Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast."
---Compton Mackenzie

"How I see it is that men get one night of pleasure, and we get nine months of putting them through hell and getting away with it."
---Sara Swank

"I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last."
---Al Forman (former MLB umpire)

"I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth. Then I learned that there were laws against suicide."
---Missy Fruchter

"A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house."
---Unknown

"Don't be so humble--you are not that great."
---Golda Meir

"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
---Robin Williams (on Clinton/Lewinsky affair)

"If you're going to make every game a matter of life or death, you're going to have a lot of problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot."
---Dean Smith

"Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want."
---Tori Filler

"Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest."
---Neil Kinnock

"Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare."
---Ed Asner

"Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go."
---Unknown